so it’s another fucking new year…

looking back at the year i think i’ll pass in wanting to know if 2004 will be any better. last year i had some hopes for the year, but then the year just started dragging till finally i just said screw this year. so i’ll be saying screw 2004 right now, cause i don’t want to pretend like the years are going to miraculously change; like my father would quite his drama games; that my ship doesn’t have to go to iraq in 2 weeks; that i’ve got to wait a little longer for the aschool for my job, plus retake that stupid asvab test. it’s a fucking new year. what’s going to change that i don’t already know about? i would love for a miracle to come and change the start of my fucking new year. NO EXPECTATIONS FOR THIS YEAR. no thank you. no resolutions, because then i’ll just get pissed off if i brake one of them. i know that i’ve gained weight this last year, and that this year i need to start working out again. and i know that i gots to start working on waking my ass up in the morning on my own, so that way when there’s those occasions (like new years eve when i worked till the afternoon) where someone’s not going to be there for me, and whoops, i’m a half hour late to work. begin to be aware of how much fucking money i spend in two weeks – aka save money. so let me ask you this?… why make resolutions on these things when it’s been really hard trying to break these habits in the past? why set myself to a possibly dissapointment here?

last night i wasn’t all keen into going to that bar in long beach with my sisters. there was too many drunk stupid buffoons everywhere, pissing me off, a few bands that played nothing but 80′s songs, and then i wasn’t in a good mood to begin with for a “prom new years party”. it was one of those nights where i was just standing there without a care, minus getting pissed off when some drunk bumps into me and makes me spill my Guinness. my sisters were a little on my case last night whenever they saw that i wasn’t having a good time. so i just decided to have a lot to drink last night (mgd, guinness, coke&rum, adious, and a shot of baileys) and to just dance mother fucker, dance.

what i will not leave behind or forget about 2003…

lord of the rings: return of the king. jude law naked in cold mountain. tori amos’ new albumn. when i told dad most of my feelings and then hanging up on him (even though i felt guilty for hanging up on him, it still felt really good). making so much money, and then spending practically all of it during each pay checks (2 weeks time). my 16 year of dog that i so loved tha died on the day that i graduated from bootcamp. going to bahrain, australia, and hawaii. seeing my aunts and cousins from washington (or as my grandfather diligently puts it, wash-engton). spending most of all this years holidays and birthdays with my family. and just spending time with my family and the small cluster of friends that i have left in upland – my old friends.

work sucked today. and i found out some bad news…. i have to work on new years eve… so really i have two and a half days to spend at home. then i have the 4th off, so i can use that time to do shopping for west pack, etc. i hate work i hate work i hate work. did i mention that i hate work. and plus i have duty tomorrow, which means that i have to stay on this devil’s ship for 24hours. did i mention how much i hate work? WITH A PASSION. and now i have to go to the navy exchange to get my e3 patches put on all my shirts to replace my e2′s. this sucks… but shopping takes care of that.. i have a bunch of gift certificates to through away…

i’m back in san diego. i’ve got to work tomorrow, which sucks. jim’s calculated our days left on land for about one week left, then it’s off to the gulf…. i don’t want to leave………

i’m home again this weekend. i saw cold mountain last night. i thought it was a pretty good movie. not as good as lord of the rings, but i thought it was good movie. jude was a very hot – minus the beard… maybe some cornie parts to it, but still good.

and last night my mom’s fam (including aunt and co. from washington) and i went to gramma’s house, and ordered good ol’ pizza and chicken strips. my cousin from long beach came over with her son. and today the big fam is going boiling. but first i have to get my stuff ready for when i leave tonight, and i have to clean my room… cheers..

my bo is back in the xanga world. he and my family have been helping me a lot through dad’s horrible drama right now. my dad’s been a real bastard lately, and today’s phone conversation left us in bad terms…. dad believes that he’s never been in the wrong and he was even trying to blame me for a lot of his actions… like him not coming to san dog, regardless if i’ve invited him or not – which i have invited him.

xmas eve. should be a merry time. for me it was just a blah eve, and then speratic depressions. my dad had a cancerous tumor in his kidney, and made an appointment to have it removed just this past monday, and is in recovering. so he never made it for the xmas dinner, but the worst part is that because of my dad’s childish tantrums, he didn’t want us girls to visit him at the hospitol because he thinks we don’t want a relationship with him. and more drama, and more. his mom’s taking his side of course. so it’s not looking like i’ll be seeing my dad before i go on deployement on jan. 12th, and the ammo onload from jan 5th to the 9th. this is all my dad’s doing. we do call him, but when we want to talk about how we feel, and how we’re upset with him, he lies and says we’ll talk about that some other time. just like he’s lied these past years about taking me to learn how to drive in his car. lies. all lies.

very depressing masl xmas. but i’m going to shed these drama skins away from me and have a great remley xmas day. and tonight i’ll be dreaming of these guys (and probably bo, as i’ve always seemed to somehow been dreaming of him lately. don’t know why)….

Faramir (David Wenham)
Legolas (Orlando Bloom) (rather than viggo – who is just a few years younger than my mom, and bloom is close to my age)

update 11pm, thank you everyone for sending me xmas cards. i’ll be sending mine pronto. i’ve been quite busy with going on leave and being with my family. i’m blessed right now to spend time with my cousins and aunt from washington, whom i haven’t seen for about 4 years… i’m blessed right now. minus the fact that i have 5 days left of leave (vacation). then it’s back to san dog.

2:56 pm: my way right now to see lord of the rings for the 3rd time, with my cousins.

i’m home. home sweet home. and i found the cd that max burned for me with all my pictures. lot of play things… *innocent look*

and the first thing (besides eating some of mom’s homemade cookie dough, and the pizza sis ordered) was my sisters and i went to a bar for just one drink, and they allowed smoking indoors; which in san dog, there is no smoking inside bars, etc. it’s good to be home.

i’m going home. i’m on leave right now. jim and i were going to go home about 2 hours ago, but he ended up taking a half hour nap, and now here i am playing with the computer. i’m going home. home till the 27th. and i’ve got a shit load of clothes to bring back. and i’ve spent almost 200 dollors for my uniforms and stuff for this seabag inspection for january 5th.

btw since the lord of the rings has been released, i’ve now seen that movie twice so far. so far.

at work right now. last night i had 2 or so hours of sleep because i saw a movie that’s worth having only 2 hours of sleep for work the next day…. lotr: return of the king. i loved that movie. i might see it again tonight, but it was really crowded at the theatre that i went to last night… it was a good movie, even if it was 3 1/2 hours long. but i enjoyed every minute of it. and now i’ve got about 100 more pages to ready of return of the king…

so right now i have time to kill, cause i am doing a computer checkup thingy. then at 1400 there’s the co’s call on the flightdeck. my friend dillon said fuck, the orders came in today. we’re both wondering the purpose of the computer programs that we’re supposed to be working on. i haven’t a clue… all’s i know is that i’ll be home thursday night. but tonight i’ve got to go get some uniform stuff…