i was looking through some old writings on my computer desktop and i found this…

12:46:17AM 2003 13, January.

it’s still sinking in, that in january my ship has to go and take more marines and their supplies to iraq. my family was very upsate about the news to say the least, when i told everyone last night… well almost everyone. i didn’t tell the masls – dad and his family. i guess i can always look at this deployement like my friend davey (no relation to davey crocket, but quite possibly to conan obrian) is… i get to see Japan, Signapor, and possibly Dubai.

but other than that poor news, the family and i had a great thanksgiving last night. we ate a 24 pound turker, played sherades. and after all that fun, my cousin, her boyfriend (who both want to vicit my ship while i have duty on 12/6), middle sis and her friend, lil sis and her boyfriend, and i went to peppers for karioke. i sang ‘what’s up’ by f non blondes, which is always a good song for the occasions that i’m in right now.

but today, i think i’ll just go with max and jim, who are going to the shooting range. and then later there’s the old spaggeti factory, and the movies.

oh btw, the highlight of yesterday’s cooking, was when mum and middle sis dropped the turkey when they were trying to take it out of the oven. all was fine cause the turkey was wrapped in foil, but mum had to make more brooth as most of it had covored the floor.

 i’m home right now. mom’s made her pumpkin, apple and french apple pie. now middle sis and mum are making some more goodies for tomorrow’s dinner. tomorrow. it’s going to be a day that i’ll be taking with me to iraq in january. that’s right. iraq in january. january. for 3. 4. 5. 6. maybe 7 months. the damn marines were going to be transported first by planes. then the government changed their minds and volunteered the navy as a solution for a taxi. january. i’m going on another deployement, even when it feels like we just got back. everyone feels like they just got back from the deployement. and now they want to send us out in january. planes. navy. any more volunteered solutions for the damn marines’ taxis? maybe the coast gaurd. oh wait. they protect our coast from the “aliens.”

january. our ship just got back from a damn deployement 4 months ago. so really, we did just get resently get back from one deployement already. now we’re going to one more. but the rumors are going that it’s just for 3 or 4 months. which might turn to 6 or 7 months, knowing bush and his indisisive behavior. but the c.o. says that we’re just transporting/ taxiing the marines and their amunitions/ supplies. and before i go to this deployement i’ll be home to be with my mother, who really needs me right now *wow, kinda spooky, as she called me as i was typing that there…* … i’ll be home for a 8 day leave. then i’ll be home for maybe one weekend, or holiday more… new years… but who knows. i’ve got these 4+ days, then my leave, and maybe some extra couple days more. not much. not much at all for someone that will be overseas for a long while.

today was the frocking ceremony, were new/ old petty officers got a chevron added to their name. the abh (aviation.. kinda like boatswain mates) cheered while in ranks, and at attention, everytime one of their guys got promoted. it got to the point where non-abh’s started saying ‘hip hip horrah.’ then when the c.o. gave his speach he said “while i was gone this weekend, a little rumor about a very important, but as of yet unconfermed ops, has surfaced while i was away this weekend. leave it to the abh’s when they were in charge of ops.” everybody got a kick out of that, dispite our discontent for the bad news he was announcing.

hello all. i’m at jim’s house right now, he’s being very nice in taking me home today and back to the ship on sunday, as well as letting me play with his computer for a bit here. i can’t wait to get home. four day liberty here i come.  chow.

lost or confused
scattered disfigured
translucent searching
friends aghast
pensive collective
remember when
i didn’t give a damn
randomness is cum
but i’ve got to go
back to a different world
back to a different time
to a whole new culture
random behavior
forever dragging

lazy battered
talk hard
pushing forward
pushing back
can’t keep track
lost direction
my epiphany
the oblivious
searching forever
and losing my brain

the 4th of july flaregun fireworks on board the boxer while we were underway this summer. and so at this time i was missing those rediculously real firework shows. LOL

i was going through all of my pictures from australia, and i’ve come to find out that it wasn’t such a good idea because it took me well about 3 hours to go through the pictures and rename/ organize them all. 3 hours! but at least it’s 2am. it’s been a while (san fran) since i’ve been up this late. at least working on all those pictures got my mind of dad. before that i was writing this huge rant blog about him and how he’s quite self-centered, as well as trying to push his whore, sherry, into our lives. i won’t meet that slut this year, or next year, so i wish dad would stop pushing her on us. plus the sad part is that he’s not looking for a job right now because he has no obligation right now, unlike how he did when us kids were around. ??? when did we leave???? so what if i still have unresolved feelings of dad going on right now. do you blame me when: 1. dad leaves mom for another woman, sherry; 2. tells his family that mom is turning us girls against him (lies); 3. is trying to push his bitch unto our lives when we don’t want anything to do with her; 4. is telling the family that we girls felt the relationship wasn’t a healthy one for years (which is partially true, but i’ve always known how dad cheated on mom way back when i was about 10. so really, it was dad that wanted to leave, cause mom was trying); 5. seldom calls you and then tells his family that we’re ignoring him, so can they please call us and see what’s wrong; 6. even if we have told dad that we aren’t taking sides, his moodswings will have him thinking were mad at him again. like right now. i have yet to call him when i got back from san fran, so he probably thinks that i’m ignoring him again; 7. he is hardly giving mom any money – infact it’s his dad that writes out the checks and sends them off in the mail; 8. is trying to get mom to sign some irs claims without consulting their lawyers – they should consult lawyers regarding any sort of financial claims cause they are seperated. so that’s a summary of my rant there.

but san franscico was a good time. night one, after anchor detail, i had duty, where i stood the access watch with the shotgun and 9mm. then the next day, after duty quarters in the morning, i went to the pacific bell stadium for the tour (even though i wanted to sleep but couldn’t), where fernandiz rodriguez signed my writing journal (only thing i had for him to sign at that time). then went to alcatraz for the tour, which was pretty interesting. then we went to gondor on broadway, after karen and i got a cheap hotel. at gondor we meet the bass player from korn. got autographs and pics (straight took pics on his digital cam – which he says that he’ll be emailing me all my pics from san fran – ones that i took, or has me in them). everyone was shy, so it was i that asked him for the autos and pics, and his friends and i talked about long beach: how they have a studio on 7th and pine, and lil sis lives on 7th and euclid, also how the bands there at san fran for the weeny roast. went to bed past 4am, cause my friends were being very hoggy with the bed. we all ended up having pillow fights. LOL.  the next day i went to san fran’s musuem of modorn art, which is quite huge - 5 stories. quite nice place, but after seeing the first floor i forgot most of the artest there so jimmy and i went back through that floor so i could write down the artists names. then jimmy, karen and i went to see the matrix. the next day my friends and i mostly walked around. john and i went to the golden gate park while karen went to barns n knobles. but on the way there john and i stopped at a tower records store, which i bought cds that i shouldn’t of. of course. then the last day at san fran, i had duty again, which i stood the same watch as i did when we first pulled in. the trip to san fran and back was alright, but what got me was doing an unrep (underway replineshment – fueling) when we were going to be back at san dog the next day. but my friends explained it as the navigators not wanting to run the ship on fumes. good grief. :p

but it’s good to be home this weekend. and i’ve got thanksgiving’s thursday, friday, sat and sunday off. i’m so exhited, and i just can’t hide it. opps. i mean i’m quite happy, and can’t wait till weds, which i’ll be able to come back home weds evening. it’s so good to have liberty after being stuck on that ship with operation trainings everyday!

i had a great time in san fran, but it was a short trip there. if i had more time there and my camera was working all the time insteed of 75% of the time than i would’ve been able to take more pictures, etc. i’m heading home now, but i have duty on thurs (got morning watch, and msg watch – dress blues time)… a gun crew shot tomorrow as well as unrup.

but the good news is that i got my requiste chit routing right now for my duty swap for thanksgiving weekend. once it gets approved i’ll have 4 days liberty, which will be really nice. i can’t wait.

this computer is being quite fussy, just like how my days been going… i’m currently using the xtoolspremium.aspx?plain=1 which isn’t giving me much of a writing design chose here…

this morning was quite a hectic time. woke up with 15 minutes to go to quarters, which i got there on time thank you very much. then i had gun quarters for an 2 1/2 hours, thus teaching a under-instruction (UI) guy how to load and shot the 50-cal gun. but of course i had my cigarette before hand, even if it did make me light headed and sick because of my empty stomach. then there was my good ol’ break for lunch. then lots of studying for the 3-m test that i had just taken – which has now drowned me out… very long day today.. and it’s only 7:30pm or so…

anyway so what’s been going on is profound thoughts followed by boredom, followed by stress due tue my possibility in not getting liberty for San Francisco because of that damn 3-m test.. which i find out my result thurs morning – we hit San Fran tomorrow morning though.. followed by a lot of cigarettes. and movies, and reading. and trying not to spend all my time sleeping, reading, and watching movies. what a grand time i’ve been having lately eh?

speaking of profound thoughts… last night was an interesting night though. the girls in the berthing were watching “casual sex” on the ship’s tv, while talking about sex, marraige and kids. all the while i was thinking about how ridiculous the 80′s movies were. the females really sucked in a sence that the writers were trying to somehow find a way to make the feminists of the 80′s forget about being a feminist. and i was listing off all these movies like breakfast club, some kind of wonderfull, etc etc as examples. in the breakfast club molly wringwald’s character’s only talent was being able to put on her lipstick by using only her tits, while the other chick was only fixated in being a morbid and clepto psycho. and what guys did they go for? the reble and the jock, while the nerd was busy writing the great essay on why they had detention… which i guess is also a sad case for the guys too. but thinking back i thought about how most of the females weren’t keen on their education, future jobs, etc. they cared more about the guys. sad. very sad.

 hello all. i’m here… i’m near by camp penalton right now, having a breezy time. we’ve been having quite a few operations for special sea and anchor detail, and some LCU ops (the wwII boats that are used to go to the shore lines). my training for ship maintenance tonight was cancelled so i got a little extra time to play on the computer right now. tomorrow’s schedule is looking to be as long as these past two days have been. and i’ve got a few pre-quals that i have to take care of. tonight i’ll probably be relaxing at sammy’s shop, but what i really want is to be home right now.

the ship’s doctor isn’t being of much help right now. he says that my bones that are cracking are caused by the muscles rubbing against the ligaments. noooo. really doc? and then he gave me a shot to numb up my back spinal muscle; his excuse was that a needle shot should help the muscle relaxe some. then him and one of the coreman were trying to think of which had the chiropractics – balboa or dry side base. so i guess that’s what i could do when i get back to san dog. but for now, since i’ve exceeded my month of light duty, i’m on full duty with the recommedation that i take it easy. gee thanks navy. and good grief… mwr’s ship tv is showing an old amy grant and ace of base video. they were also showing holes, mission impossible (one), mr. deeds, and original sin. but then again it’s always a movie hour and oddity videos. well i’m going to get going here, some other people in my division wants to use the shop’s computer.

so i saw dad today. it was a quick visit in which he still found time to talk to grandparent’s neighbors rather than me for a bit. but we had an interesting talk about how us girls aren’t against him, i.e. attacking him. but we don’t want anything to do with sherry this year or more.

anyway. i’m back at home now, with sis and mum. were fixing on going to the movies and having some meatloaf. gots to go now though… while i’m underway i’ll be writing here still… cheers